#3 39 years & 30 days old and I took the wrong turning

I am 39 years and 30 days old, or 469 months, or 2,039 weeks, or 14,275 days, or 342,611 hours or 20,556,710 minutes. I could go in to the seconds but that would be ridiculous! My husband and I have not long returned from a Manor house break, minus the children for an overdue mini-moon, (the kids tagged along when we got married in Monterey, California December last year).

We went on a country walk, which used to be a regular activity of ours before kids with our then dog, RudeBoy. We listened to the birds, admired new species that we hadn’t been privy too before, pointed and shrieked at the nature around us and like many parents who manage to grab some time away from the children we talked about them and how much they would love it here. When in reality we know exactly why we didn’t bring them on this trip and why we don’t go on country walks with them as their moaning would then escalate to a full-scale family quarrel that would upset the nature and the ambiance of passers by.

It was, for the majority of our time away, incredibly restful, that is apart from one thing. Since 1230 on the Saturday I had a headache, which was getting worse.

Unfortunately I hadn’t packed any paracetamol so I explored previously tried and tested options such as covering my face with my blanket in the car on the way to the manor. For any passing cars it would have looked liked my husband was transporting either a dead body (badly disguised) or a very strange lady. I wore my glasses, drank lots of water and fresh air. But it wouldn’t disappear.

When analysing my day up until this point to pin-point where the source of this headache was coming from I realised that I hadn’t drank my usual cup of English Breakfast tea. But surely that can’t be the reason. Neither had I eaten breakfast. To counteract this I had shovelled in two supposedly ‘healthy’ bars, which is basically sugar in disguise. But surprisingly that didn’t fix the head pain either. Later I had a raw vegan salad for lunch and lobster for dinner. I must add here that these are not my usual meal choices. I hold my hand up and admit that I tend to opt for stodgy carbs and sugar to keep my body afloat…quite literally.

What wasn’t helping was that the Manor house was swelteringly hot and the weather outside was rather muggy, with menacing grey clouds. After our very lovely dinner we retreated back to our bedroom, which was on the top floor (3rd), as I was climbing the steps my brain felt like it was expanding at an exceedingly fast rate. My body and I felt in a bad way, I laid on the bed and swiftly fell asleep. It was only 2100.

I awoke at 0330 Sunday minus the headache, such a relief. After quickly cleaning my teeth I eventually fell back to sleep around 0500.

The funny thing was, was that I started Saturday morning really well. I had awoken early with an urge to do yoga. So I did. My usual morning back pain had dispersed and I felt incredibly connected, which isn’t usually the case. I felt good. So why the headache?

Who knows!! What I do know is that whilst I sat on a beautiful high backed 1920’s sofa in the hotel room I realised that I am 39 years old and I feel like I am failing my body. I am officially 2 stone overweight, and up until now I’ve been very good at disguising it. My skin is filling every inch of my clothes to the point that it hurts to wear any. I am at my happiest when I am wearing pj’s. My daughter, only that morning had looked at me and said, “you look different Mummy”, to which my reply was “in what way?” “Your face looks rounder”. Time for a change.

For the past 10 years I have been on a quest of self-actualisation and personal growth. I take pride in educating myself on the principles of mindfulness, Law of Attraction and quantum physics. I know what is healthy and actively advocate this when feeding my children but somehow I’ve taken the wrong path were my own body is concerned. Do I not value myself enough? I am quick to blame a lack of will power but I know that it goes beyond that.

So I sit here tonight (Sunday) and make a promise to myself to do better. This is my 39th year and I plan to reach the age of 40 (March 2019) looking and feeling the best I have every felt. I plan on doing this by making consciously better choices. To move my butt and make things happen. I am going to set myself physical and mental goals to ensure I succeed. On my personal quest of aligning myself ready to receive a better me.

On our journey back home we drove down a hill that I used to attempt to cycle up with my dad. I said to my husband that I am going to cycle up this hill again. I’ve already set one of my new challenges.

I’m also going to sell the car so I no longer rely on this as a mode of transport.

We’ve also booked a weeks holiday in North Wales, something I have wanted to do for a very long time, as I loved walking the mountains when I was younger. I can’t wait to climb Snowdonia again with the kids by my side.

Let’s begin.


#2 A positive outlook really can change your life

There is a website and app that I like to dip in to everyday to remind me that the news that is portrayed and streamed to us every day doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. It helps me to ensure that my mindset achieves an equilibrium of positivity.

There are positive tales of uplifting moments and happy endings that are occurring all over the world. GoodNewsNetwork

The article I felt compelled to share with you is below. It’s a poetic piece that demonstrates, that no matter what our circumstances, internal or external battles or blocks we have the ability to achieve great things with the status of our mind. What truly resonated with me, is when the gentleman the article is about, talks about how “he created his own reality”.

Homeless teen goes from living in a car to a wedding photographer

#1 Let’s give this a go!

If you saw me on the street or you knew me from a distance you would think I was a happy, confident lady who took everything in her stride. I love to make people laugh and truly believe that a smile is contagious.

But if you scratch my surface you’ll find that I am a complex, emotional being who has spent the past twenty years trying to understand who I am and where I fit in to the world. I have been at times lost, crippled with self-doubt and a lack of belief in my own abilities that I have actively sabotaged my success because deep down I knew eventually I would be heading that way anyway so best I put myself out of misery.

Although I have been investigating my own self-concept for the past 20 years. My self-discovery only took a step up in the last 10 years. Before then I seemed to coast along with an air of naivety of who I really was and on reflection, a lack of understanding of consequences and how I truly felt (being a teenage!). Not that I didn’t care, but the complete opposite I didn’t want to think about the emotional element of life as it felt too  exhausting. I also don’t think my vocabulary would have matched the emotional state I felt at times.

When I was growing up, I was a sheep. I copied my big sister and the people around me, unsure of who I was or an understanding of my own identity. I wasn’t a forward thinker. But I desperately wanted to be one. Fear of not fitting in, or standing out of the crowd scared me to the core.

I remember getting some new school shoes when I was in the Sixth Form doing my A-Levels and although I liked my shoes I didn’t want anyone talking about them or commenting on them. It was only years later that my best friend disclosed to me that her younger sister had said how lovely they were. Her quick response was “don’t tell her that”. My ways hadn’t gone unnoticed. I was clearly very good at repelling people’s attention on me efficiently.

I mention above that I enjoy making people laugh. Coming up with the one liners to get a reaction, but I’ve since recognised that I am masking my own expectations and low-self-esteem. If someone offers me a compliment I am quick to dismiss it and override the comment with a self-critical put down or belittle the one thing that I have been complimented on.

In the past couple of years I have been playing around with a few ideas and notions that have only recently been stepped up and I’m starting to notice positive changes in my life. It’s nothing new, it’s not revolutionary but it feels powerful. Powerful enough to stop me in my tracks and want to explore, digest and learn as much as possible. I’m excited as I’m ‘peeling the onion’ and dismantling blocks that are 38 years old. Blocks that have held me back from myself and my true potential.

This blog is my journey starting from now, with the occasional flashback to put my experience in to context. Tag along if you wish.

I love being around nature, I feel at home the most walking amongst the trees.